I’ve had over 7 months of time in self-employment with low amounts of work from the music industry, putting me in a dire financial position.
When my last retainer contract ended, I decided I had had enough of the instability of temporary contracts. I resolved to return to employment, seeking the security, continuity, and structure that I had lacked for the past six years. Seeing friends in long-term positions at their companies, and others receiving substantial severance packages after layoffs, left me questioning my decision to become self-employed. This path had only led me to more debt, high stress levels, and none of the anticipated benefits associated with running my own business.
I last applied for a job in the music industry in 2018. Since then, new job opportunities have arisen organically through synergy with the founders and CEOs of the companies I’ve worked with. This connection made me feel valued and in demand in the music industry, knowing my skills were being put to good use. However, it also introduced the uncertainties associated with self-employment.
After completing my last contract, I realised I was feeling burnt out from the unstable path I’d created for myself through self-employment – no fault of my wonderful friends at Chillhop Music and Vampr. I remember telling a close friend that I needed a change, as I was continually encountering exciting opportunities that sadly didn’t evolve into long-term careers. The pandemic, fluctuating employment, a breakup, relocating three times, health issues affecting close ones, and my own small health issue had me yearning for some structure in my career.
Nevertheless, similar opportunities to those before came knocking – three in total over the following three months after I finished my last retainer. This time, however, I had made it clear that I wanted a full-time PAYE setup. I was genuinely excited about these roles, all focused on A&R, and the potential impact I could make in the independent music industry. Alas, due to unforeseen circumstances, the companies did not proceed with hiring for the roles they were considering. All three of them!
I’d had enough by this point. I applied for a couple of jobs, but felt mugged off by having to market myself to these companies and be evaluated by their HR processes after years of pushing the envelope in the music industry. I tried to humble myself, reminding myself that this is what people do for job security. I told myself to conform, to wear the uniform, yadder yadder, believing that freedom would eventually come from the limitations once I’d balanced personal fulfilment with job responsibilities.
I stopped applying for jobs that matched my skill set as I had lost all passion for that line of work. Any task related to “business development” or attempting to convince people of the industry’s current state left me feeling physically unwell and emotionally drained. There were times when I was so overwhelmed by my identity crisis and loss of purpose that it was difficult to even move. I had to figure out what I wanted next. This was uncharacteristic of me – usually, I can find meaning in any task and get it done, no matter how unappealing. It’s hard to explain the intense resistance you feel during these crises. This paralysis was a clear indication that a significant change was necessary.
Around this time, I began writing my book. My energy, excitement, and purpose instantly returned to their former glory. I truly enjoy writing this book and believe it will be a valuable resource for artists navigating the music industry. However, while fulfilling, writing doesn’t pay the bills, and I have many to pay.
I found myself in a predicament, unemployed and struggling with my philosophy of finding meaning in work.
Meanwhile, over the past five to six years, I’ve devoted considerable time to my parents’ allotment. Last year, I moved into a flat with a neglected communal garden, which I’m steadily improving. Concurrently, I’ve gained a few clients through my self-employed gardening services. This has fostered a deep passion for horticulture.
Towards the end of 2023, something interesting happened: right as I finished my last retainer, I came across a job advertisement for part-time self-employed gardening for an agency, of which I interviewed for.
The job interview went well, and I was set to start in October 2023. However, due to a mix-up where my required DBS certificate was sent to the wrong address, my application was delayed. This prevented me from starting the job, but it did further pique my interest in the field. In February 2024, I was asked to reapply. Just a few weeks ago, I finally received my certificate. Now, I can start working with clients for this agency!
Reflecting on my life plan and vision board from 2014, it’s suddenly clear that this was always part of my trajectory. It includes a lot about vertical farming, smart cities, sustainability, and ecotechnology. I was deeply passionate about a greener world, particularly greener cities. However, from my youthful, tech-focused perspective, I believe I envisioned myself investing in ecological startups, rather than personally working on gardens and farms.
In recent years, I’ve been reflecting on the time I spent with my Dad while growing up. He is a man who can dismantle and reassemble engines, a painter and decorator, and someone always engaged with tools and fixing things. Out of all the tasks he’s shown me throughout his life, I now realise that the gardening tasks I assisted him with are the ones I identify with the most. I’m finding more and more that I want to be a man who can do things with my hands – to make, fix and maintain real things.
Additionally, I’ve been yearning for a “go to work” arrangement that isn’t an office.
My ego-driven ambition of desiring a workplace where I could build a reputation and gain recognition has faded over the last 20 years. This shift has altered my perspective on work. Now, I simply want to engage in work I enjoy and become proficient at it, without seeking attention beyond those who approve of the continuity of the work I’m doing. I no longer need my work to shape my identity. Work can just be work, and I can coexist with it.
I particularly enjoy the labour-intensive aspect of gardening, where a day’s work leaves me physically exhausted from lifting, digging, and constantly moving. However, my interest extends beyond the physical. It wasn’t until I started taking gardening projects seriously that I realised the project management skills I developed in the music industry could be applied here as well. I enjoy projects – from the initial idea, through the learning and problem-solving phases, to completion. This is extremely satisfying in gardening, where everything follows the cycle of the seasons and there’s an infinite amount of information to learn.
I think I really got here through a period of intense burnout. I felt unable to engage with anything related to music. I knew that remaining completely inactive wasn’t beneficial, so I decided to escape through video games, just so I was doing something. Many of my friends have found a mental reset through Stardew Valley, so I gave that a try. Stardew didn’t do it for me, I found my solace in Valheim. This game revealed to me what I needed to do next in my life. The satisfaction I gained from digging, constructing primitive structures, and tending to small farms emphasised that my real-life gardening pursuits weren’t fulfilling enough and I needed more of that line of work in real life.
I began applying for gardening jobs, even though the lack of qualifications or commercial experience made the process challenging. However, the industry provided me with opportunities. I’ve attended five interviews and engaged in some trials and ad-hoc jobs within various sectors of the horticulture industry.
As my touchpoints with the industry progress, each day, I discover new depths of knowledge to explore, which constantly fuels my excitement. I thoroughly enjoy starting my day early, working outdoors, and having a set daily schedule. It’s incredibly rewarding to work on real-life projects and see them materialise, free from any academic or theoretical doubt about their value. In this job, the effort put in directly translates to the results achieved.
Now that I’m an early riser, meaning I finish my work by 5pm, I dedicate my evenings to writing my book and producing music. My passion for the aspects of music I’ve always loved is glowing more intensely than ever.
I’m shifting my focus in the music industry from executive work to a blend of my interests in music production, writing, and artist development for a select group of artists. I’ve realised that these tasks don’t have to occupy most of my day. They can be accomplished during evenings and weekends. Therefore, I am thrilled to align my life such that my “day job” is in horticulture.
I’m currently working as a full time seasonal temp as a gardener at a prestigious stately home, whilst also doing weekend jobs self-employed. My initial priority is to obtain a full-time permanent position as a gardener. Once secured, I plan to earn an RHS Level 2 qualification to explore areas of specialisation. Currently, I’m thoroughly enjoying the journey of learning, being outdoors, and experiencing stunning gardens often nestled in beautiful natural surroundings.
Long term, I wish to balance my music, philosophy and gardening in my life. I have an inclination to make this a conceptual crossover, but it needn’t be this way. Ultimately, I just want to practice peace in these things I do that I find meaning and wholesomeness in.